Why Do We Feel the Need to Define Ourselves?

Why is it that we feel the need to define and predefine ourselves?

How is it that this need becomes more important than feeling that we are growing as individuals, when every day is an opportunity for growth?

We are constantly changing.

Our experiences change. Our circumstances change. The people around us change. And, as a result, we change too.

So why do we so often place ourselves inside a fixed definition and decide that this is simply who we are?

Are We Sometimes Setting Our Own Limits?

When we say “we did our best,” we are setting limits on our own ability and potential for improvement.

Of course, there are moments when we genuinely did everything we could in that particular situation.

But there can also be a nagging feeling that the phrase sometimes becomes a way of absolving ourselves from having to do just a little more.

This doesn't mean that we should force ourselves or push ourselves into something that doesn't feel right.

But perhaps we give up a little too quickly sometimes simply because we don't want to try.

At the same time, society tells us to optimize more and try new things, while also telling us to relax more and laugh at ourselves.

Perhaps the answer is not to take everything quite so seriously.

This brings me back to how we often predefine ourselves.

We say that we are a certain way — and then it is settled.

End of story.

No further discussion.

There is something frustrating about how quickly we can define ourselves as this or that simply because we have “always” been that way.

But how can that really be true?

We were all born one day.

We grow.

We experience.

We learn.

We change.

The person we are at one point in life cannot possibly be the exact same person we become years later.

Think About the Person You Used to Be

Perhaps you are eight years old and love to swing and play with stones.

At fifteen, you prefer walking through the woods with your dog.

At twenty-five, you travel the world as a journalist and meet your future partner.

At thirty-eight, you have had your third child and live in a small house near the edge of the forest, where your children can play freely.

Can we really say that we have always been the same person?

Of course not.

Life keeps introducing us to new versions of ourselves.

When Definitions Become a Prison

Predefining ourselves is dangerous because it can lock us into a box that we become afraid to break out of.

“You never do.”

“You always do.”

These words can have a powerful impact on us.

When parents, teachers, coaches, friends, or neighbours repeat the same description of us again and again, we can eventually begin to believe it.

And once we believe it, changing it becomes much harder.

Do we have to defend ourselves to prove that we are something else?

Do we have to find the strength to fight back against the people who have already decided who we are?

Who Decided Who You Are?

We are often predefined from a young age.

Society has categories.

There are standards.

There are norms.

There are expectations.

And sometimes, people take it upon themselves to define our personalities for us.

But a person cannot be fully understood through a category.

We are more complicated than that.

And we continue to change.

Give People the Chance to Become Someone New

Now that I work with many teenagers, we receive information from their former teachers about how they behaved in their previous classes.

This can create predetermined ideas and preconceived notions about what things will be like.

But far too often, things don't turn out that way.

And perhaps that is one of the clearest signs that we continue to change throughout our lives.

A new situation.

New teachers.

A new school.

New classmates.

Most things are new.

To expect someone to remain exactly as they were before can therefore be completely contradictory to how life actually works.

No One Reveals Everything

In order for us to feel more secure in life and when interacting with others, we need to understand that we share different aspects of our lives at different times.

No one reveals everything about themselves.

Some people rarely say anything about themselves at all.

Instead, we largely choose what we say about ourselves and hope that the listener interprets it in the way we intended.

This is why assumptions can become complicated.

The version of a person that someone describes to us may not be the person we experience when we meet them ourselves.

Let People Introduce Themselves

When someone describes a friend, relative, neighbour, or coworker in a certain way, we may enter the meeting with a preconceived idea.

Then we meet that person and don't get the same impression.

Misunderstandings can arise.

Predetermining how someone should be perceived is dangerous.

We need to think about this not only in relation to ourselves, but also in the way we introduce others to other people.

Give people the opportunity to be experienced for themselves.

Stop Overplanning Who You Are

We don't need to strategize every part of how we introduce ourselves.

We don't need to create a fixed description of who we are and then make sure everything we do fits inside it.

Let things unfold naturally.

Live in the moment.

See what comes.

Allow yourself to discover something new about yourself without immediately turning that discovery into another permanent definition.

Let Yourself Change

You are not required to remain the person you once were.

You don't have to live according to every “you always” or “you never” that someone has placed upon you.

You are allowed to learn.

You are allowed to change.

You are allowed to surprise yourself.

Life is not a finished definition.

It is something that continues to move, develop, and reshape us.

So let life be changeable.

Let it be malleable.

That is how life is meant to be.